If I Ever (Hell or High Water, #4)

Caution: The following details may be considered spoilerish. Click on a label to reveal its content.

Length: Novel (45K+ words)

Heat Wave: 5 - Very explicit love scenes

Erotic Frequency: 4 - Fairly frequent

Genre: action / adventure, drama, romance, suspense / thriller

Gender: cisgender

Orientation: bisexual / pansexual, gay

Pairing: male/male

Age: 30s

Ending: happily ever after

Tone: exciting, gritty, intense

Themes: abduction/kidnapping/hostage (actual), abuse, adoption, alpha/alpha, angst, antihero / bad boy, disability / disfigurement, enemies to lovers, found family, hurt / comfort, mentor / mentee, mute / speech impaired, protection, PTSD, trust issues

Kinks: barebacking, biting, bondage, dirty talk, fuck or die, hate-sex/angry sex, marking, piercings, rimming / anilingus, spanking

Era: contemporary

Settings: Africa, airport, New York (state), refugee camp

Careers: Air Force, Army, assassin / contract killer, doctor, humanitarian aid worker, Marine, mercenary, military, Navy, spy

Species:

Chapter One

In the story of Prophet’s life, he’d played his own hero enough times to know that waiting to ride off into the sunset with one of his own was both unrealistic and stupid.

But shit, he’d still hoped for it every single time.

At least that’s what he’d always thought, even if he’d never said the words out loud. Everyone wanted a hero, no matter how goddamned capable they were. If anyone said differently, they were goddamned lying.

But the man he was currently leaning on for support as he navigated the snow-covered sidewalk with bare, numb feet wasn’t a lie. Farthest thing from, and Prophet had bet his own life on that enough times to be sure of it.

“Come on, Proph—got you,” Tom said quietly, his voice a soothing drawl that Prophet had come to depend on.

That would bother the fuck out of him some days more than others, but he’d have to remember the times it didn’t. Like now, as he let Tom guide him the whole way back into their building, lock the door behind them while never mentioning the fact that he still held Prophet’s boots in his hand even as Prophet shuddered from the cold.

Instead, they stood together in the hallway for a moment, processing. Assessing. Having his best friend turn into his biggest enemy had been a betrayal he’d known about, but discovering that man had been in his house, with Tom, with Remy?

Now, it was war.

His wrists ached, the way they always did in extreme cold, but he’d be damned if he’d pay them any special attention. Instead, he directed his burning hatred of the guy who’d once been his best friend like it could inject itself directly into his bones and heal them. That anger? That would pull him through hell every time.

But the cold had fucked with his head, the thaw happening too slowly for his own good.

“What’s in the basement?” Tom’s interruption to his thoughts was quiet but Prophet heard the tension in his words, felt it in the arm of steel wrapped around his rib cage. “Cameras?”

Prophet blew out a harsh breath, his lungs still pained from the cold. “Yes, but there’s no egress in the basement.”

“Think maybe he made one?” Tom refused to say John’s name. Prophet couldn’t blame him. He eased away from Tom’s hold, forced himself to stand steady on his numb-as-fuck feet and only then did he draw his weapon. Tom followed suit and took point on the steps, Prophet following close behind. They found the big room empty, save for the boiler and water heater, along with the generator and electric panels and several storage boxes that Prophet recognized as Cillian’s. It was clean and dry with no place to hide.

“Cameras seem to be in working order. I’ll have Cillian run the footage,” Tom said. “I’m surprised neither of you thought to make this a panic room.”

“Cillian had plans drawn up, but we’d need elevators. Secret panels in the wall. It got complicated.” But now that Remy was in the picture, those complications suddenly didn’t seem so complicated.

Chapter Two

Tom knew full well that ordering Prophet back up the stairs and to their apartment before he died of hypothermia wasn’t the way to go. Instead, Tom waited—with a patience he didn’t know he had until he’d met Prophet—as his partner continued to stare around the room like he was waiting for the answers to appear on the walls in front of him. Finally, Prophet blew out a muttered curse and headed back up the stairs to the main hallway.

In turn, Tom followed, locked the basement door, hit the alarms for the main doors and waited for them to arm. And waited some more until Prophet finally said, “Let’s go up and check Cillian’s place by camera,” and Tom again followed him up the stairs. Even though Prophet’s feet still held an unhealthy tinge of dusk, the interior hallway was warm enough that he’d stopped involuntarily trembling.

Still, he paused at the top of the stairs to let Tom open the loft’s heavy steel door. Tom walked inside but Prophet paused, shook his head.

Because as he’d unfrozen, so had his anger. “We’re going to end this,” he promised. “I’m finding John and I’m ending this. Do you understand?”

“Let’s take it one step at a time,” Tom urged him.

“He’s been in my house,” Prophet growled. “Near you. Near Remy. So no, I’m not going to take time to think about the next step.”

“Fine. What is the next step?”

“Check the cameras. And stop treating me like a bomb you’re trying to defuse.”

Tom bristled at the orders, but he did as Prophet asked, on both counts. “Then put your goddamned socks on.”

“Yes, daddy,” Prophet said absently as he headed toward the bedroom. He was in there for a while, long enough for Tom to call him a motherfucker, out loud, several times, and run the searches on the computer connected to the cameras in both Cillian’s and Prophet’s apartments, as well as the one pointed out from the building, and pour two mugs of coffee.

Finally, Prophet wandered out of their bedroom, socks in his hands and the envelope with John’s jacket in it under his arm, and Tom could practically hear the wheels moving inside his head as he headed to the kitchen.

“Cillian’s apartment’s clear now. I went back several hours—no disruptions in the tape,” Tom called over his shoulder.

No answer. He glanced over and saw Prophet leaning against the countertop, writing something. Then he rooted around inside the envelope, pulled the jacket out and instead slid the paper inside. He left the jacket on the floor, yanked on socks and boots.

And then he went back into the bedroom, opened the window, and went outside via the fire escape. By that time, Tom was watching him jump down off the final leg of the metal ladder in order to slide the envelope into its original place behind the dumpster, and scale back up the metal scaffolding.

Tom moved aside to let him climb inside, then watched him carefully close and lock the window. Only then did he go past Tom and into the living room and Tom muttered at the ceiling for more patience before joining him.

“Can you sit down now?” he asked, and Prophet actually did, let Tom wrap a blanket around him, and took the warm coffee from the table. Then he pulled Prophet’s boots off and tugged his legs up so Prophet could settle them into his lap. Tom attempted to rub some circulation into Prophet’s feet through the socks.

Finally, Prophet informed him, “I told John that it’s his turn.”

Tom frowned. “His turn?”

“This whole time, I’ve been trying to catch him. And he’s been evading. Poking at us. That’s what he’s really good at. I forgot that. In the beginning, I was desperate to get him back, to prove he had nothing to do with it. To show everyone I wasn’t an asshole for caring about him the way I did.”

“And now?”

Prophet gave him a lopsided grin that made his heart skip a beat, and answered in a way Tom didn’t expect. “You and me? We chased each other.”

Tom swallowed hard as he processed that. It was obviously a major difference in the two relationships. “Yeah, we did.”

“With John, it was one or the other. Always. Cat and mouse. Trying to prove to the other who cared more. The guy could hold a grudge. And as long as I was doing the chasing, he’d hide. Now I have to turn the tables and force him to catch me.”

“And that will help?”

“John sucks at being the hunter. Don’t get me wrong—it’s a relative suck. Better than ninety percent of people. But not better than me.”

“Where do I fit in here?”

Prophet paused, but it didn’t matter—Tom knew exactly what he was going to say. “I think you need to stay here.”

“Because of Remy.”

“Because of Remy,” Prophet repeated, his eyes haunted.

“Not because you’re worried about me.”

“If I thought John would come after you, I’d never leave you here without me,” Prophet said honestly.

“We’re going to do this,” Tom said fiercely. “Remy needs both of us to come back.”

Prophet blinked. “You think this is my version of a suicide run?”

“Is it?” Tom pressed.

Prophet stared at him, gray eyes like rising smoke. “I have to end this. It started with me. It has to end with me. If that makes it a suicide run, then so be it . . . but since I plan to come back and drive you fucking nuts for the rest of your life, then no.”

Tom smiled. Reached out and touched Prophet’s bottom lip with his thumb, stroked it. “Just needed to hear you say it.”

“Maybe I just needed to say it,” Prophet countered. They sat in silence for a long while, Prophet staring out the window and Tom rubbing his feet. “No one ever noticed the paint, just like I didn’t,” he said finally.

“Proph, the guy was practically invisible. He used your dreams.”

“John always said he felt invisible.”

“Did you?”

“Nah. I was never melodramatic. Besides, people noticed me.”

Tom held his tongue on the melodramatic part but couldn’t help adding, “You were always an asshole too.”

“It’s one of the most endearing qualities.”

Tom stroked a hand through Prophet’s hair. “Most definitely.” Prophet smiled in satisfaction. “Did you ever consider he was real before this?”

“Not until the night we left for Djibouti. Right before you came in.”

“I know you have flashbacks. PTSD episodes. You said you hallucinate during them. I’ve seen some of them. But this? This is different.”

“It’s happened like this before,” Prophet insisted. “I just didn’t realize it, but it’s happened for a while.”

Tom softened, because Prophet was already frustrated as fuck and he wasn’t helping. “How long?”

“When I was first rescued, if you want to call what the CIA did a rescue, I was in the hospital. Recovering. John visited me. I figured it was the pain meds.” Just how much Prophet hated revisiting that time showed clearly in his face, and the flash of pain and anger, the barely contained hatred in his voice at his circumstances made Tom immediately flashback to the video that had given him his first glance of an angry, young Prophet being interrogated by the CIA, and nearly killing the agent stupid enough to believe that Prophet wouldn’t break his own wrists to kill him.

“And what, he assumed you’re going to have flashbacks like this, so he visits you?”

“I’ve been having them for a long time. Before Hal,” Prophet confessed. “Not this bad, but John was always there. My shrink said I manifested them for comfort.”

Tom shook his head at the absolute irony of that. “Maybe you forgot to turn a camera off. What if Cillian saw a flashback incident and he’s playing with you?”

“Even you don’t think Cillian would pull that shit. He wanted to drive me crazy, but he doesn’t need to fuck with my flashbacks to do it.”

Tom knew that, but he wanted to believe anything other than the fact that John had been here. “What does it mean that he’s been this close to you—to me—and we’re still alive?”

“I have no goddamned idea what to think of that, Tommy.”

This was serious—especially because Remy was now here. And there was nothing to stop John from hurting him. Just because he’d left Prophet and Tom alone for now meant nothing. John would figure out a way to threaten Remy so they’d leave John alone. “Do you think . . . he missed you?” Tom asked hesitantly.

Prophet stared at him. “Staying hidden’s tough, you know? You can’t show who you really are. If violence happens, you can’t help anyone. For someone used to walking into the fire, it’s torture to survive like that.”

Tom pretended not to notice Prophet had ignored the original question. “And John’s not like that?”

“Just the opposite. Like he was relieved not to have to carry that burden of who he was all the time,” Prophet explained. “On one level, I caught the appeal. I just couldn’t do it. I just kept moving after I showed my hand. I’m good at escaping.” He stared at the window, but Tom noticed his fingertips—there was still black paint on them from where he’d touched the windows, and he was touching his pointer to his thumb as if feeling the stickiness. “Should’ve fucking known.”

“What?”

“The paint was my trick, to cover our tracks when we snuck out. You always end up scraping off paint when you break in or out. He knows I would’ve noticed.”

“And these windows aren’t alarmed?”

Prophet shrugged. “Fourth floor. I mean, hell, why would anyone bother? You want me dead, you’ll shoot a bomb through the glass. Besides, he was bypassing cameras already. I’ll bet this system’s not a problem for him, but he’s not behind all of my flashbacks.”

“How do you know?”

“I don’t think you’d sleep through a firefight,” Prophet said wryly.

“So John was the trigger. He’d leave and then . . .”

“Yeah, and then the fireworks started. But they’d start without me seeing him more often than not. Even though I know he’s the cause of the shit going down all around me . . . I still look for the bastard . . . every single time.”

Chapter Three

Prophet practically spat his last words, not sure if he was angriest at himself. Probably so. He’d been told numerous times throughout his career incarnations that having a conscience would fuck him over every time.

They were right, but hell, where John was concerned, the time for worrying about his once best friend was long gone. Now, it was about not being able to ignore John any longer. Because of him, Mal and Ren and King and Hook couldn’t safely remain in the US—or anywhere else, really—because they all had a bounty on their heads. Their work remained on the down low, and suspicion would always dog Prophet as well. Suspicion—and secrets that lived inside of him.

And even if they could continue to live with all of that, as they’d been doing, the fact that John might have a plan that could impact thousands of lives? That was something Prophet and his teammates couldn’t turn their back on. Especially because they carried the weight of the crimes John had already committed, and that albatross was strangling them.

“I still look for the bastard . . . every single time.”

PTSD: the bitch that kept on giving.

Tom had stayed quiet, just watching . . . but when he finally spoke, there wasn’t an ounce of judgment or jealousy there. “You want to save him before you can’t,” was all he said of John, and it was nothing like what Prophet expected to hear, or even deserved, and his throat got too tight to speak, tighter even when Tom added, “I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.”

Finally, Prophet managed, “You’re not on the ‘Prophet’s in denial’ team then? Because you’d be in damned good company with Mal and King and Ren.” His team, the men who’d stuck with him even as they’d been dragged through hell because of him.

Tom shook his head slowly. “Never have been. Never will be. But I can see why they are. It’s because you want them to be there, on that in-denial team. You’ve always got your reasons. But you’ve got them fooled with this one, because they think John’s your kryptonite.”

“Doesn’t everyone have a kryptonite?”

Tom tapped his fingertips on his thigh thoughtfully. “I guess my partners always dying was mine. My curse.”

Prophet shoved aside the thought that maybe Tom’s curse was Prophet himself, because that was too maudlin for an already maudlin afternoon. But Tom’s fingers stilled and he narrowed his eyes at Prophet.

Fucking Cajun voodoo bastard. “Shut up, Tommy.”

“Fine.” Tom pressed his lips together before continuing. “Are you in on this with John?”

***

Prophet leaned back against the couch—a nondefensive posture to be sure, but that didn’t stop the hurt from flashing for the briefest of seconds in his storm-filled gray eyes. “You and your fucking voodoo shit—why don’t you answer that question for me?”

It was probably the hardest question Tom would have to ask him. Prophet gazed at him, his eyes cool, and for a split second, Tom saw the machine behind the man, the special forces operator, trained, bred to kill, to follow the mission to its logical end.

And then Tom answered his own question. “No, you’re not.”

Prophet’s jaw clenched. Tom ran his hand over Proph’s cheek, and the jaw unclenched, expression softened. “So what do we do now?”

“It’s not your war.”

“It involves you, so yeah, it is.”

“It’s getting harder to . . .” He motioned to his eyes, and Tom told him, “Then let me be your eyes on this.”

“There’s never been a choice, has there?” Prophet asked him. “Not from the goddamned beginning.” He sounded half-angry, half-pleased as Tom shook his head. “John’s not my kryptonite, Tommy. Not by a long shot. But you . . .”

“Yeah, but I don’t make you powerless, bébé.”

Prophet gave a wan smile, but his mind was obviously moving too fast to settle onto anything. “What if this fucks up the adoption?”

“I don’t know.”

“You and Remy could go into official protection.”

“By the time all this goes through, we hopefully won’t need it. And while we’re away, the foster visits . . .”

Prophet sighed. “We’ll just have to say we have jobs out of town sometimes and that he’s got significant supervision.”

“Mal is considered ‘significant supervision’?” Tom groaned.

“He’s an adult. We don’t have to use the word ‘appropriate,’ but man, you’ve got a Special Forces operator and a doctor watching this kid. How could he be safer?”

“Don’t you think we might need Mal with us?” Tom asked.

“Shit.” Prophet frowned. “I’m trying to keep all of them away but . . .”

But life—and John—didn’t always work like that. They might need all the resources they could muster.

“How long, Proph? Really.”

“Could be a week. Three weeks. A month. Depends on his timetable. But John’s escalated. My gut says under a month. And if I press, we can bring him out sooner.”

“Then press.”

“I will, T. Dammit, it hasn’t been a game, ever. But he’s treating it, and my life, and Mal’s and the others’ lives like it is.” Prophet sounded firm, not defeated. “I’ve been looking through his things, looking for a mistake, a sign, anything that links his banking to any of this. Mal’s got some hits in offshore accounts, but beyond siphoning out his money, there’s not a lot to go on.”

Tom nodded. “He seems to be spiraling.”

“As the plan comes to an end . . . this spiral, this letting us get close? Could all be an act.” Prophet shook his head. “He’s still the same . . . as much as he’s changed, he’s stayed the exact goddamned same.”

“Would I have liked him, back then?”

Prophet glanced at Tom like he’d asked a trick question. “You’d have hated him on sight.”

“I feel closer to Mal than I ever have.”

Prophet snorted. “John’s an acquired taste. We didn’t love each other as much as we hated to love each other. It was complicated, and not in the good way.” He looked at Tom meaningfully. “We need to end this.”

For so many reasons.

“We will,” Tom promised him.

“Tell me what you want. Spell it out,” Prophet told him.

Tom gazed at him, so full of goddamned trust, with none of the wariness like there’d been the first time they’d done this. “I want you, Proph. All of you. Good, bad, sick, well. You. That’s all. You’re my goddamned family. You, Remy. Doc. Even Mal.”

Prophet smiled. “Even Mal?”

“You tell him I said that and—”

“I won’t. But he knows, T. He knows.” He ran a thumb along Tom’s bottom lip. “So you’re in it.”

“Long haul.”

“Suppose it gets ugly?”

Tom gave a small, lopsided grin. “I’ve seen ugly, Prophet. We’ll get through it.”

***

Prophet believed it, believed Tom meant it. But sometimes when you’re in the thick of it . . .

He stopped mid-thought, because Tom’s voodoo-meter must have pinged. Tom was palpably angry when he grabbed Prophet’s biceps, hard. “Don’t you fucking underestimate me. I’ll fuck that right out of you.”

“I’d like to see you try,” was all Prophet got out before Tom’s mouth was on his, as rough and punishing as his grip. And Prophet relished it. Wanted all of what Tom could give him, wanted him to leave marks all over his goddamned body.

Wanted Tom to erase this day, purge the memories and leave Prophet whole again . . . for as long as that would last.

He was beat down exhausted. Fragile. Pissed and sad and on the verge of losing it completely, and Tom knew it. Prophet wanted to throw him off, buck him away, but Tom would fight him every step of the way.

There was nothing else he could do—nothing to do—but let Tom take him, anyway he wanted to.

He surrendered into Tom’s fierce kiss and unrelenting grip, to accept the warm slide of Tom’s tongue along his as Tom forced him toward the bedroom. There wasn’t an escape, not into himself, because Tom wasn’t going to let that happen, like he knew it was too dangerous for Prophet to disappear into there . . . because if he went down that road, he might not come back.

Instead, Tom set about keeping him on the damned road, crawling, cut and bleeding, instead of walking, but going down the road just the same. Stripped him down physically, and set about doing the same to his mind.

“Knees, Proph,” Tom told him in a tone that brokered no argument. Prophet turned reluctantly, forehead pressed to the mattress as his arms were pulled behind his back, not roughly, but enough to remind him that leaning on them wasn’t an option. Tom wrapped the leather cuffs around his wrists, and there was enough chain between them so Prophet’s arms didn’t feel the strain. But he was still bound. Open. Vulnerable.

God, it fucking hurt to do that, especially now. He wanted to glance over to the window where John had come in God knew how many fucking times to violate him, over and over again, but he didn’t. Instead, he screwed his eyes tight and just breathed as Tom spread him, buried his face in his ass in a way that forced Prophet to whimper, helpless against the onslaught. Forcing him to feel, to react, to need.

“Fuck you, Tommy,” he muttered and Tom dug in deeper, letting Prophet know it was message received. His tongue took Prophet until his balls tightened and he ached to come, thrust his hips into air, needing something to touch his dick, to grind against him and let him release.

Frustrated, he cursed—at the ache, at Tom, at everything—and with the pull to the window becoming more possible to ignore, he didn’t. He turned his head and opened his eyes and stared at the reflection of Tom lording over him in the glass. He saw another figure there, above them, and he blinked and forced himself not to say shit, because it wasn’t real.

He had no right to be there, but every goddamned reason to be.

Suddenly, Tom stopped, but it took Prophet a few seconds longer than it should’ve to realize it. The room chilled, even as Tom’s hand swatted Prophet’s ass several times, hard as hell, bringing him back to earth.

“You want to stare at the window?” Tom taunted. “I’ll do you one better.” He grabbed Prophet roughly by the biceps and dragged him up and toward the window, slamming his upper body against the glass. With a palm on the back of Prophet’s head, he forced Prophet’s forehead against it and said calmly, “Open your fucking eyes and look for him. Look at him, for all I give a fuck, because I’m the one who’s here with you. Inside of you. You’re mine, goddammit it. So say it.”

Tom thrust up into him and Prophet growled at the invasion, the taunts, the orders. But Tom wasn’t having any of it, thrust up into him over and over with an unrelenting motion until Prophet mouthed, You’re mine.

He didn’t say shit out loud, he hadn’t even been able to hear his own goddamned voice, but somehow, Tom did.

“You’re mine, Proph. And better than that? I’m yours.” With that, Tom pulled out of him entirely and then entered him again, and Prophet cried out, eyes staring down at the alley below until it blurred under his gaze and melted away into nothingness.

Only then did he smile.

***

With Prophet pressed against that window, Tom fucked the ghosts out of him—all of them, the best he could, until Prophet’s body relaxed, part bliss and mostly exhaustion, and Tom didn’t care so long as Prophet found momentary peace.

When he helped Prophet back into the bed, Prophet stared at him for a long moment . . . and Tom didn’t see any of the ghosts there, just a reflection of himself before Prophet closed his eyes.

For Tom? No such luck, at least not tonight. He lay there, a leg thrown across Prophet’s body, staring at the window John had been sneaking into and wondering how the hell they’d all missed it. If Prophet really had, or if John’s stranglehold was stronger than anyone realized.

Discontent grew in Tom’s gut as that last maybe took hold. Prophet was the strongest man he knew, but everyone had their kryptonite, their breaking point, their weakness. For a while, Tom thought he was Prophet’s, but now he realized that was something he never wanted to be.

Chapter Four

Prophet opened his eyes in the darkness, the weight of Tom’s leg grounding him, and even so, Prophet had to simply lie there and fucking breathe so he didn’t trigger himself into any kind of flashback.

When he felt steady enough, he pushed Tom away, murmuring, “Bathroom,” and Tom grunted and moved. Prophet took a piss and grabbed his jeans, leaving Tom in dreamland.

Prophet had places to be. People to yell at. And he knew exactly where to start, he thought as he walked grimly down the steps and began to pick the lock to Cillian’s door, even though he had a copy of the key, just to piss the guy off.

Cillian had his ear to the ground . . . and so did Gary. Gary knew the kinds of things to look for regarding John and what exactly his plans were. But Gary wasn’t here, and the asshole at his disposal slammed his loft door open and glared at Prophet.

“What the hell? You’ve got a key.”

“Figured it would be rude to just let myself in.”

Cillian rolled his eyes and walked back into the apartment. Prophet joined him, closing the door and roaming through the rooms on the current floor.

“I’m alone,” Cillian called. When Prophet came out of his bedroom, Cillian shook his head. “Who were you hoping to find? John?”

Prophet stared at the couch, if it could even be called that anymore. It’d been thrown out of a window in the rain, pushed up stairs and thrown down them, and otherwise defiled—and put together again with pink duck tape. “That looks pathetic,” Prophet informed him.

“I keep it to annoy you. Good to know it works.” Cillian paused, and then sighed, obviously knowing why Prophet was there and admitting, “John’s got more of a stronghold since Sadiq was killed.”

In the ultimate irony, killing Sadiq had actually helped John, a fact that hit Prophet like a physical blow. Cillian had been right to tell him, even though Prophet could see the reluctance to share in his eyes.

Prophet, in turn, threw the first thing in his path against the wall, which was hopefully some priceless sculpture or some shit like that. It went whizzing by Cillian’s head and fuck, he had to work on his aim.

“If you’re going to destroy something, can you make sure it’s in your own apartment?” Cillian asked, seemingly unperturbed. Prophet took a step toward him and Cillian stood his ground.

“Don’t tempt me. Not now,” Prophet warned.

“I’m shaking.” Cillian threw up his arms and frowned.

“Did you know? Did you know John was really here?”

Cillian’s expression went serious. “Prophet, if I knew John Morse was here, flesh and blood? I would’ve killed him with my bare hands.”

Prophet believed that. What worried him now was the skill level John had achieved, and while survival could give a man an edge, John had received some serious training. Maybe even more advances than the CIA could’ve given him. “Could SB-20 be employing John?”

“I’ve thought about it, yes,” Cillian said slowly.

“And?”

“If they did bring him in and train him? They lost control of him rather quickly. And once that happened, they wouldn’t own up to it for fear of being exposed to the CIA, thus compounding the problem.”

“And the CIA was already in fear of being exposed. John screwed them all over and forced them to keep quiet.”

“And prepared you and your team to take the fall,” Cillian added. “SB-20 wanted him alive—as though they were doing the CIA a great favor, but John’s got to have something on them too.”

“Maybe you could ask your old boss, Trent—oh, wait, you can’t, because you killed him,” Prophet pointed out.

“What are you really asking? Because the man I know wouldn’t dance around this shit.”

“My bedroom window. It’s been opened. Painted over. You’d know that because you’ve got the same alarm access I do.”

“Yes, Prophet, your bedroom window’s been opened many times since you’ve lived here. You’re allowed to open your bedroom window. You do it often.”

“But it chimes.”

“So you didn’t hear the chimes.”

“No. I heard a lot of goddamned things during my flashbacks, but I’d know the chimes. I fucking listen for them, because I’m not completely out of it. I’m always waiting for the chime, so I can know if someone’s coming to really kill me.”

Cillian stared at him. “Say what you mean.”

“You and I are the only ones with access.”

“Really? You haven’t given codes to Tom, Doc, Phil, Mal, King, Ren . . .”

“Right, because they’re all far more likely candidates to let John come in here and fuck with my head.”

“What do you want from me? Go through the codes.”

“You could doctor them.”

“True.” Cillian crossed his arms. “Say it.”

Prophet had been fighting this urge. Couldn’t anymore, not after this. “It was you.”

Cillian raised his chin. A haunted look flashed in his eyes. “You need to trust that I have reasons enough to want John dead, more than anyone. Except maybe you.”

“Or Mal.”

Cillian’s eyes got that haunted look again for a fleeting second. “But why would I let him in? What would I gain?”

“I don’t know, Cillian. Money? Power?”

“Bullshit you don’t know.” God, his brogue was so heavy these days. Must’ve been weird for Mal to finally hear that. He’d freaked the first time he’d heard King’s brogue, and had tried to drown him in the ocean during a BUD/S exercise, and no one noticed because the instructors were all regularly trying to drown them anyway.

“I’ll leave,” Cillian said.

“Right. Convenient.”

“You don’t trust me to leave. You don’t trust me to stay.”

“Maybe I should do what Mal can’t.”

“Won’t,” Cillian corrected him. “I have no doubt that Mal could, in a heartbeat. But he won’t, for several reasons.”

“What are they?”

“Ask him. This question-and-answer period is done.”

And there was John, ruining another relationship, because whateverthefuck happened between Mal and Cillian had to do with John. He was always in the way.

Because yes, John and the CIA framed their team, but John saw Mal as competing with him for Prophet’s attention, much more so than Ren or King or Hook. Because none of them loved John, but Mal’s hatred was instant and absolute.

He’d pr

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