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Chapter 1
The Big Day

Things to avoid on your wedding day:

1. Don’t even think about stealing your best man’s leg. Seriously. Don’t be that arsehole no matter how much he provokes you.
2. Don’t set fire to anything. Should be a no-brainer.
3. Don’t pour your future sister-in-law’s urine all over yourself.
4. Don’t lose your groom.

For a moment, I stand there, trying to take it all in. The vision of carnage before me is so remarkable that time slows down for me:

Frank is shaking his prosthetic leg at me to emphasise the point he’s making. “Marriage is murder!” he yells. Though, in his thick Scottish accent, it sounds more like “Marriage es merder!” He’s desperate to get his point across. “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into! It’s absolute fuckin’ wank, is what it is! Do ye hear me, pal? These are all signs that it’s the biggest mistake of your life!”

Chloe is dancing on the hotel room curtain, which she’s torn off the window, trampling down whatever the fire extinguisher missed, spraying white foam all over the carpet.

“It’s all right now,” she announces, her breathing strained. “Not to worry! I’ll just open the window and it’ll be like nothing’s happened!”

Siobhan is sitting in the armchair by the wall, weeping.

My mother’s poodles are making a cacophony in the bathroom.

The hotel staff is banging on the door, demanding to be let in.

And here I am standing with my shirt covered in a yellow splash of Siobhan’s urine, in my boxer shorts and socks, with my wedding suit trousers singed to the ironing board. My mobile is in my hand, the message, I messed up, Joe. I’m sorry, on the display.

All I can think, as rage and fear boil up inside of me, is how I want to grab that bloody prosthetic leg of Frank’s and chase them all out of my room with it.

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